So kiss me goodbye, I'm gonna make it out alive

November is already almost done...there's only two weeks left in this semester....WOW!

So it's definitely been a while but I figured this would just be a super quick run down of everything that's happened in the last month...well maybe not EVERYTHING :) haha

So the first weekend of Nov, I went to Ypsi for a vocal competition with some of the Hope kids and the lovely Katie...aka...it was a lot of fun :)

The next week I don't think much happened except lots of rehearsing and practicing because two weeks ago we had the Liederabend (German Diction performance) and it was AMAZING! Seriously, I absolutely loved every minute of it.....all of those kids are quite talented and just a blast to work with. It's nice to know that you're appreciated and that you're valued...you know? yeah. :)

Then that weekend was the Concerto/Aria Competition here at Hope. Basically it's a huge deal. Basically I had to play Schumann's piano concerto 1st mvmt w/my professor the audition...and honestly it went really well and it was pretty sweet...and then I found out that i won and got into the concert for February. That means I have to keep this massive work until then and make it absolutely amazing....and I'll be performing it with HOpe's Orchestra. I am nervous/excited/anxious about it but I know in my heart it's a little bittersweet because I'm going to miss playing with an orchestra with Mr. F up there conducting and Michael, Dustin, and all those other crazy kids sitting right next to me on stage. lol But it's a great experience and I'm so lucky I think!

Molly took some of us to Red Robin for a pre-opening dinner thing which was so much fun and soooooo good! I'm really having a good time here with these friends this year. It's nice. That weeked also brought the new release of the James Bond movie....SO GOOD! haha Heather and I saw it because all the guys who'd seen it said it was wicked great...and it pretty much was. Soooo then came Thanksgiving break....

I was just so ready to go home for a while. And plus I was going to get to see my darling cousin Stephanie who I pretty much haven't seen in like 4 months. It was just really fun to see my fam again and everything! Plus my first night back, Stephanie, Stephen, Tiff, my aunt and uncle and I went to see James Bond again. hahaha Oh good times indeed. Pretty much it's my fav movie ever.

Friday was my shopping day/spend time with Meghan day! Aka You know it wouldn't be a weekend at home without me spending time with that girl. Basically I truly don't know what I'd do without her sometimes. Glitter stuff at Bath and Body works was fun...and so was talking about a certain family of guys that she has extra reason to want to keep away from her sisters...so to speak. lol : ) I don't know...there's just something about being home that makes me think...about this summer especially...and just when I think I'm so over something and have put the past behind me, I realize it's not true necessarily. ughhh....that's one of the reasons Miss Key is so good for me- she tells me when i'm being stupid and when i need to just stop thinking. hmm :) hahaha

It was a good weekend for sure...it's just that I have tons to do. Like more than I even realized in the next two weeks and I just honestly don't know how/when I'm going to get it all done and that scares me so much.

I also realized something...that no matter how much you promise that something won't change and you think so hard that you're just going to keep things the same no matter what, it's inevitable that won't happen. And I saw that in some ways this weekend but it's life and I have to live with it, right? You just never stop learning....

So life is good, way too busy and way too stressful but it's okay. Okay off to class now...more later maybe :)

this weekend was so fantastic. when i say that i had a great weekend, you all immediately probably think of me being insanely hyper, drinking tons of red bull, and just being crazy and doing nothing productive....well this weekend was so different...but in all honesty it was possibly my favorite....

saturday i woke up at 5am! uggh....and got in a van at 6:15am! to go to Eastern (in Ypsilanti) to accompany for NATS which is a big vocal competition....with Mrs Dykstra, Chris, Issac, Maggie, Megan, and then Libby, Jared, and Katie eventually came too...yeah it was early...and God knows it was a loooooong day but hey it was so worth it!

i work with some of the best people ever. katie is by far one of the top two singers i've ever worked with/heard/whatever. hands down. she is amazing and i can only hope that all of you guys get to hear her someday. needless to say she won and it was fantastic! :) lol but that's beside the point. haha

i think saturday re-affirmed how much I love what I do. I love accompanying. Period. End of story. I love my job.....yeah. And I want to do it. So here I go :)

Funny moments of the trip:
-chris falling asleep on maggie on the ride over
-mrs. d getting lost about 4 times
-running over the curbs numerous times!
-mcdonalds at 6:30 in the morning! haha
-Chris's quote: "Yeah they look like NATS kids....just run them over....less competition."
-Issac talking about how we are out of the Hope bubble haha
-Eating lunch in the cafeteria...yikes!
-Reminiscing with Libby about the good old days back in Flint! lol
-Katie winning!
-Making fun of that total divo singer guy who we all wanted to just strangle!
-Katie's cough scaring me and making me jump!
-That girls high note that just about jolted me out of my seat!
-Backstage- "Are you Stephanie Maloney?" ahahah
-"Turbessi. Hoybe." "I think she's losing her mind."
-The whole car ride home with Libby and Katie...TALKING ABOUT VIENNA! :) ahhhh. the possibilites. lol And realizing how similiar Katie and I are and how much we have in common...soulmates! haha And just being able to relate to friends who I really wasn't that close with but now feel like we're tight....and just understanding that there are people out there who are like me and have the same beliefs and views and morals and ideals and it's nice. For sure. :)


Yeah I pretty much don't even remember everything/can't write it all but it was a great weekend....well just great Saturday pretty much because it was the longest day ever. lol

I had fun. It was a good time had by all! :) Maybe...hahahaha

AND now comes high stress time....it's already begun....
Liederabend countdown: 8 days
Concerto Aria Comepetion countdown: 12 days....c r a p

This year is good and I am so content. I have to admit that when I moved back here in August, I was skeptical of everything and very unsure of so much. Now I feel like this IS where I belong. In light of the recent Music Department drama, problems, fighting, stress, chaos, and uncertainty, I realized something really important- this department is my home. And it's impossible for me to sit back and watch it disinigrate and fall apart due to conflict and mass changes that could/ ARE going to happen. It's been crazy to say the least but I'm so glad that there are incredibly amazing kids in Nykerk with me!

It's so weird when I actually started thinking about having to transfer and completely start over.....when I actually had to THINK which schools I would apply to and what I would do and what I would major in....it was just like having to start a whole other life. And it was weird.

I think that for now there is some stability to some extent...but then again who knows. I do know that I'm sticking it out and staying here and yeah...we'll see what happens. I couldn't leave now.

On another note, the weekends here are so sweet! haha Two weekends ago was our homecoming and I got to spend it with not only my favorite Hope Friends, but also some of my best friends ever...MISS MEGHAN KEY! Sir Nicholas :) Mike and Lea. Needless to say, it was pretty amazing and pretty much the best weekend ever.

This past weekend was MUCH more low key but still super great! I went to a VBall game--- haha anchor band. Oh wow. Watching Vball definitely reminded me of Miss Krystal Heeres and yeah...basically I miss her. lol :) Then Chris played his junior recital...ahh....I seriously almost started crying twice. It was absolutely wonderful. Hearing him play motivates me so much but at the same time makes me feel so inadequate! lol Then I hung out with Teen Music Squad and my freshman kiddos! I love playing games and watching the Tigers (Even though they lost Saturday night) and yeah...random Meijer runs, pizza, MASH! hahaha SO much fun!!

So yeah...I don't know...things are just so busy and chaotic and stressful but I'm having fun. I really am. Piano Pedagogy last night was probably the best hour ever. I'm not even joking. I was so stressed and just like ahhhhh but then something happened in there and I just COULD NOT stop laughing and I was just ridiculously happy. It was to the point that I couldn't even look across the room at Sam, Chris, or Steve and I was laughing soooo hard the whole hour I was crying at multiple points. And I know it was bad and rude and probably horrible, but I couldn't help laughing through the whole stinking class. Oh those guys! lol Skeletons, gouging people's eyes out, pinkies, playing piano upside down...oh wow!! Then the NASM concert rocked. I played with Katie and let me just say that girl's voice is unbelieveable. She is going to be a HUGE opera star....I guarantee it. But until then, we're having a blast working together! Let's just say singing in Italian can be fun...spaghetti, manicotti, lasagna....lol And of course dancing in the hallway like crazy with Katie B, Sam, Chris....oh good times indeed!!! hahaha I love RANDOMNESS!!

All in all, things are really good. I'm going home this weekend to see my favorite love, Miss Key, and Kristen, too hopefully! :) I'm excited but then again I'm like oooh I kind of wish I was going to be around this weekend here but I'm sure that I'll have fun at home.

PS- GO TIGERS! I'm so excited!!!!!!!

It snowed today. 

Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. 

Meghan is coming here tomorrow...and I couldn't be more excited:) 

She's bringing "stupid" and "beautiful" with her. lol 

they're coming to see Nic play Saturday here....and i'm totally pumped.

I'm keeping this really short tonight....lots to say but....
to describe this weekend(Flushing's Homecoming and my Fall Break)and all of the things that happened in three words would be as follows:

Awkward, Random, and Goodbyes

Random topic #1: So I'm happy. Like really content. And I'd say that this is the happiest I've been and that life cannot get any better than this but I had this summer....and nothing can top that. So it's a bittersweet feeling that I have now I think. I've been trying to put my finger on it, trying to pin it down, trying to make sense of my feelings and my thoughts and what I really want. It's too hard. I feel like once I got back here into the swing of classes and homework and practicing (oh the practicing!) it's just a temporary cover and distraction for me...it's not allowing me to come to any sort of conclusion or ending or summary of what's happened, of what I've felt, and of what I want. It's frustrating in that sense because of course I don't expect anything to ever be the way it was but that's what I remember and that's what I miss and that's what I was convinced I wanted. Now I just don't know. Being removed from the situation and isolated from the people that were my whole life the past few months is just weird. It sort of parallels having an awesome dream and then waking up and always remembering that dream but never being able to achieve it or relive it in its exact entirety. I'll be back in Flushing in about a week....and it's their homecoming...which means it's inevitable to see people....lots of people....to be perfectly honest I don't know if I can do that or if I'm ready. 

Another random topic: There are some days when I just sit and think about how much I miss Buddy Camp...not because of any of the superficial reasons which you might think, but because it was the one place where life is GOOD all the time and God is there and you have no pressure, no expectations, no stress, no hate, no heartbreak...it's just love...and I think that's where it gets me into trouble...but I miss it. I miss the atmosphere, the wholeness, the peace, and that sense of knowing you are there for a real purpose and that you are doing something good. It really hit me the other night in chapel when he was talking about where are you gonna go with your life and not choosing the right path, but rather finding the right path that God's made for you, even if you don't understand where you're going at that moment...and I don't know. It just really made sense to me that everything that has happened will make sense to me eventually. And it's like Kristen and Meghan told me, that they think what happened was really good for me. I don't understand why it happened but someday maybe I will. 

And another random topic: I'd be lying if I said that I don't think about things and they way they were and what they could have been but I'd also be lying if I said that I want it all back. Knowing the things I know now and seeing the things that have happened, I couldn't fully bring myself to wanting something to come of it. I just don't know what my reaction is going to be at first though...when there's that crazy time when I have to face it and have that first conversation, that first hello, that first running into each other randomly...what am I going to think? I've also realized that even when people are out of your life for quite a while, they're never really gone. When you think you've completely blocked them from your mind and your heart and your thoughts, it's not true.....there's always going to be that slight flicker of a feeling or random memory that will come flooding back into your head. It's strange. But it's real. 

Final thoughts: Basically I don't know how to say what I want to....it's so late, I'm so tired, and I shouldn't be writing in this....but I did....and oh well....PS- It's almost the weekend which makes me absolutely ecstatic! :) 

Ooooh new awesome song: 

Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?
Lying in the grass alone and wasted
Nothing's how it used to be

I wanna be the first to call and tell you
Yesterday I heard the news
I hear you oughtta be congratulated
So I guess that's what I'll do

I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.

Listen to the sound of my head pounding
Wish that it was make-believe
Praying for the skies to open up and
Wash away your memory

I can walk around with a pretty face on
Even when I'm black and blue
What's the point in telling everybody
I'm not over you.

I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.

Cry about the love we used to have
Cry that I won't ever get you back

Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?

I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I'm so happy for you
So, so happy for you
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.

SO THIS WEEKEND HAS BEEN PRETTY INTERESTING. FIRST OF ALL IT IS THE WEEKEND OF THE PULL....SO INTENSE....ODD YEAR VS. EVEN YEAR...FRESHMEN VS. SOPHOMORES...BASICALLY TUG OF WAR BUT UNBELIEVABLY INTENSE AND HARDCORE AND COMPETITIVE AND JUST PURE DEDICATION AND COMMITTMENT....WOW. 

IT WAS TODAY AND ODD YEAR WON BY A HUGE HUGE HUGE AMOUNT!!!! :) I'M SO PROUD OF ALL OUR GUYS AND ESPECIALLY ALEX! YEAH IT'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT WHEN ONE OF YOUR FRIEND IS IN THERE WORKING SO HARD AND JUST GIVING EVERYTHING TO IT....AWESOME. :) SO WE'RE ALL HAPPY FOR THEM!

OTHER THAN THAT THIS WEEKEND HAS BEEN MARVELOUS. LAST NIGHT WAS HONESTLY THE BEST NIGHT I THINK I'VE HAD SINCE I'VE BEEN HERE...IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER...

SOME BACKGROUND ON LAST NIGHT THOUGH: KEIJA AND KEEGAN AND HEATHER AND I HAD SOME DRINKS...OF RED BULL...THAT'S KIND OF DANGEROUS FOR ME :) HEHEHEHE OH IT WAS BAD INDEED!! KEIJA SPITTING HER MILK ALL OVER HERSELF IN THE HALL, KEEGAN ROLLING DOWN THE HALLWAY LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY, MAX AND TRAVIS FIGHTING WITH A PLASTIC BAT AND A REAL BAT IN THE HALLWAY, BEST MOMENT EVER THOUGH WAS OUR TACO BELL INCIDENT :) 

SO WE WENT TO TB LATE AT NIGHT TO THE DRIVE THRU AND HEATHER WAS ORDERING...SHE IS HILARIOUS AND DECIDED TO DO AN ACCENT AND JUST SOUND SILLY....SO SHE DOES THIS KIND OF RETARDED SOUTHERN ACCENT AND AT THE END WHEN THE GUY ASKED IF EVERYTHING WAS RIGHT, SHE SAID WELL HOG TIE ME AND SLAP ME ON A MULE....AND HE JUST STARTS CRACKING UP AND SAYS WELL MA'AM I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID BUT IS THE ORDER RIGHT....SO THEN WE PULL UP BEHIND THIS CAR THAT'S AT THE WINDOW...AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN ONE OF THE GUYS GETS OUT AND COMES BACK TO OUR CAR....SO WE ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW AND HE SAYS "ARE YOU THE CAR FULL OF DRUNK GIRLS THAT'S BEHIND US? BECAUSE THE GUY AT THE WINDOW SAID THERE WERE SOME DRUNK GIRLS BEHIND US" WE SAID NO OF COURSE THEN HE SAYS "WELL ARE YOU HIGH OR SOMETHING?"AND WE'RE LIKE NO WE'RE JUST HAVING FUN! AND THEN HE JUST IS LIKE"OH OKAY AND WALKS BACK TO HIS CAR." YEAH I WONDER WHAT HE WANTED...BOOTY CALL! HAHAHA LOL IT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER....OH MAN ALIVE!!!!! THEN THE GUY LIKE GAVE ME BASICALLY A FREE DRINK ....yeah.....

i love it...

more later peeps. i'm out.

"An empty room can be so deafening,
The silence makes you wanna scream,
It drives you crazy.
I chased away the shadows of your name,
And burned the picture in a frame,
But it couldn't save me.

And how could we quit something we never even tried,
Well you still can't tell me why.

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what your looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore."

So I'm coming home tomorrow....that should be interesting....I'm not really sure what's gonna happen but I do know that at least I'll get to see Kristen and Meghan so I'm quite happy about that....I probably shouldn't want anything more b/c it's stupid and it'll only end up hurting me more I think in the long run...so yeah....we'll see how it goes....

Well I've been here for like 2 1/2 weeks and we've already had over a week of classes. I'm completely overwhelmed already! YIKES!!! But it's okay. It'll get better and I'll just get to used to classes and piano and practicing and everything....so it'll be great, I'm sure! 

It feels pretty good to be back here now. Well not neccessarily good, but it feels right. I feel like I need to be here now and that this is where I should be. And that's wonderful. 

I've already made several new friends...some freshies, too....which is just awesome! I think that this year will be just so much better than last year ever was and I already know that I'm going to have a BLAST all the time when I'm in Phelps. It's awesome to have your friends just right around you all the time or just down the hall or just downstairs!  :) I love it! 

On another note, Alex called me last night. It was the first time I'd talked to him or heard from him since his accident....and when he said hey this is Alex on the phone last night I just lost it. I didn't know any of the details about what had happened or how he was really doing but when he told me everything last night it was just too much to handle...it was a lot worse than I realized and my heart just completely breaks for him. I can't even imagine not remembering anything...and not being myself....I can't understand what he's going through but I know how hard this is for him and what a horrible time he's having. 

It just makes me think so much and realize how short life is and that it can all change in one instant....and that you have to tell people how you feel and don't hold things back until it's too late...that's no way to live...I mean what if you woke up one morning and couldn't remember what you'd done the day before, or who you'd talked to on the phone, or who you'd hung out with or why you were in the place you were in....what if you couldn't make memories and couldn't remember your life? I can't even think about that. But like I said it just makes me want to live every moment and love everyone and have fun and enjoy people and my life and realize how incredibly lucky I am! And no matter how hard my situation is or what I'm dealing with right now that I have it so good.....I love that kid and I can only hope and pray that he will continue to get better. 

Another thing....I like my friends....a lot. All of you.

I'm really glad that Kristen and I have started talking a lot again and hanging out or whatever...it's nice to know that she's there for me b/c I have SO many wonderful friends but I feel like Kristen can give me really good advice in ways that a lot of my other friends can't...she's kind of like a big sister...and I'm just glad that we can talk about stuff together. 

And of course Meghan. Do I even have to say anything? lol 

Bu then again I have all these friends here at Hope too...and they are just AWESOME. I'm so happy....or if I'm not happy I'm well on my way to being happy again. lol :) And that's cool. it's a start, right?! 

PS- Switchfoot is coming to Hope in November and I'm pretty excited....just FYI...haha

Okay I have to go to homework now and then we're going to see Snakes on  a Plane! :) Whoa hey.